Lunch With A Bird.

On a table for four i sat down once; times four, an attempt to find myself the chair that had the most shades in that hot hot day. A decent restaurant outdoor view facing the trees and the greens, very light music in the background, i think i pretty much confused the waitress who might have thought i was playing musical chairs with her. specially when i commented that I'll probably keep moving to the other chairs following the sun movement, the waitress laughed but i was serious :D



You know those kinds of feelings that hit you suddenly like electric shocks, like when you miss someone and they start to hack your head, a throb in your chest that bangs, comes and goes so fast like thunder striking a tree something you cant deny or avoid, yet you just cant put your finger on it.
...& i had one of those strikings!, didn't know exactly what it is but i knew it was associated with that phone call i make almost every time of my lunch hour.
A company that makes my food taste better, music sound finer and silence more meaningful... and hidden meanings laying underneath each breath inhaled and exhaled.



All settled down, with bunch of menus to choose from, it was the only day i knew what i wanted before i go but i chose something completely different. while i was sitting talking silently to everything around me observing details trying to paint with my heart the moment and capture with my eyes the view in front of me,
i go drifted with thought as usual, of how i have a sleeping painter inside me, that painter is awaken every time i see a nice view my finger long to hold a brush and smear some colours all around a blank page. thought about photography , and how close it is to painting i figured out its one of the reasons i like taking pictures is my passion for painting, even though i sank into thoughts, that striking didn't leave me alone.



I don't like to eat alone, but yet most of the time i eat alone, you can say i am pretty selective about who i spend time with, to me finding just random people i see everyday and meet them for lunch talk about whatever blah blah doesn't appeal to me at all for many reasons, first; i don't like discussing work stuff with coworkers while eating , second; I'm not the kind who likes the casual anything. i like to put a meaning in everything , at the same time i would welcome anyone who likes to talk to me or wants to join me for lunch or invite me for one.

but today despite the fact i was solo in a table of four, thinking about whatever may have caught my curiosity i turned my head and on the table stood facing me in the eye a tiny blackbird, it lingered there for quite sometime as if it was telling me to ask the waitress to hurry a little she was really late this time, i thought about calling her to bring some bread i was pretty sure the bird wanted some until the food gets ready.
the bird flew as the waitress approached the table, all bothered by fast movements of giant humans, it hid somewhere under the table, as my head was following the bird, the waitress asked me what i wanted and i told her the bird seemed to want some bread, and i would like to share it too, for the second time she laughed thinking i was sarcastic but i was serious!

The bird remained under the table, hopping from a corner to another, finally came the bread and the funny part was when the bird flew right on the chair in front of me.
the wind was blowing fast, everything flew off the table, but the bird stood there very stable and well balanced. i had some kind of admiration towards that bird. we shared the bread and a deep conversation and i find myself singing some song, i dug in my purse got a pen and a paper and wrote down while i sang along at that time the waitress came over finally with food, looked at what i was doing and i didn't need to wonder what she's thinking, she didn't laug and i pretended that it wasn't all serious!!!
the bird flew under the table again. striking thunder in my head this time, that feeling i couldn't avoid, i knew that bird wanted to tell me something i know it's him that i miss, even though we spoke twice that day. i grabbed the phone and called him.

even though i knew exactly what i wanted to say, but again i found me talking about .....the bird! and some silent conversation about random-specific things.
wasn't so long that i knew i had to go back to work, asked for the check, took whats left of the food the waitress was fast that time she probably got the hint i was in a hurry and probably though (oh-well a crazy customer!!!).
still on the phone, holding down the arms of the clock stretching it one minute later and few seconds later, i had go back to work...

leaving my winged heart and soaring mind flying around where he is.

There she is...

There she is...
hiding between big green bushes
playing her invisible piano on every leaf
singing her soft songs to the wind

take me.. take me high
take me away , away from here, from me
take me..

There she is...
laying facing light-bugs
fly off the velvety ceiling
she's not awake, shes not asleep
she's a wave and a drop
splashing her pleads to the river below her

Take me...take me deep
take me deep into your heart
drift me away from here.
take me...

There she's flying back to the sun
in the eye of the sun
melting away, shinning through
she's diving in, sinking deep
she dreams as she attaches her silky wings
praying...

take me...take me far beyond
tear this horizon, the walls around me
take me... up and away
fly me out of the milky way
take me away..

she waited, waited and waited
until she fell out of time
until everything melted with the heat of
the rising star in her head.

she waited for the fairy to come with the news
but the fairy didn't come
not this time

and there she is
in the field of her head
freewheeling
following threads of moonlit
mourning within her soul

paint me the colour of the breeze
take me away , into your light
suck me into your rays,
melt me within your shadows
twirl me cream and brown
Hold me a window not a mirror
open the shades and breathe me in
inhale me in your every breath
swim me in your blood
take me to your heart
pulse me to your head
find me a place a chair
sit and sip your thoughts with me

dance me out of here
dance me through the night
the night all around me
dance me away.
away from here.

There she's
she's here
she's there
she's not anywhere.
she's a wave and a drop
shes evaporated by the morning sun
until the next first rain spell.

Shape of my heart..

On Life...

Life is a feather..
Once up, Once down..

Life is an apple
One bite sour, One bite sweet

Life is a cup
Half full, Half empty

Life is what it is
simple and complicated.

Life is what we make it
its a lemon, for we might have the whole tree
Life is what we choose, it to be
lets make a juicy sugary-sour treat
bring your cup and sip with me!!

peace of my heart..

things i dont like

1-being lied to

2-cheating

3-words that have other than one meaning.

4-being a fool.

5-feeling left alone

6-sitting in silence for a long time

7-the sound of the clocks at night

8-being misunderstood

9-anything mean or evil, actions or words

10-being caged

11-breaking promises

12-people who say good things they dont really mean

13-unkindness, rulity, ruthless behaviour

14-being compared to someone else

15-feeling/ being told im not good enough

16-being not accepted as i am

17-feeling that im not heard

18-laughing at/mocking other people (hurting their feelings)

19-waiting for results

20-missing a prayer

21-being told what i do is not enough

22-distructive advices

23-creticized for who i am

24-people i love out of reach

25-fake compliments

26-dual faces

27-steeling

28-people abuse the trust u give them

29-hurting animals

30turning down someone who needs help

31-feeling guilty

32-those who dont believe in me and give up on me fast

33-my pms's

34-when the night goes too fast

35-time to go when im with ppl i love

36-injustice

37-being afraid

38-being sick and feeling helpless and week

40-eating alone in my lunch break

41-someone taking advantage of my kindness

42-staying indoors for a long long long time

43-darkness when no one is there with me

44-loud voices-screaming-shouting

45-rude behaviour

46-routine

47-going to the movies at day time coming out at evening time

48-cooking only for myself

49-cheap magazines-news papers

50-unablity to express myself
51- when i dont undersand whats happening around me
52-being the last to know
53-when someone treats me like a child
54-being uninvited
55-having this itchy throght and teary eyes and i am smiling because i dont want anyone to see
56-bad smell
57-blood
58-being stuck at home when i need to go out
59-feeling bored
60-someone is bored and i cant make them happy

Mercy...

Where have you gone from people's hearts?

Enjoy Your Uniqueness

Yes, we are all from the same tree,
the leaf said to me
but can't you see..
how unique are your eyes to me
enjoy the soul in you
its bound to be free..
enjoy the colors of your mind
no matter how crazy it can be
enjoy the beating dreams of your heart
its just a thread between imagination and reality
flow, like i flow with the wind
don't imitate, see how good to celebrate, elaborate your insanity
enjoy your uniqueness
there's nothing in the world more beautiful like your inner beauty.

Staying Real....

Living up to my own standards...

And its NOT a high tower i build to look down on every defect

It's juts a square feet on the rough cement,

i make a spot for myself in the world

i remain there watching, and being watched..

Not trying to prove anything, Not trying to justify any purpose

Only staying real..

Among all the Sci-Fi images and effects surrounding me

...& even if those digital eyes of the beholder fail to reflect the beauty within

Numerating, calculating and analyzing my every move instead.

I surrender to the wind, swinging delightfully with its calling and whispers

responding and corresponding to nature.

Raw

Open your eyes to see...raw

a tune, a note no one ever know

In the sole and early breath of dawn

no secrets or promises kept unknown

The velvety touch of these soft pertals

in those flopping colouful wings

The fragile ray of sun,

the gentle white sand

Open your heart to feel...raw

it takes you where you dream to go

a catsle in the sky

a rolling wave crashing by

in the wonder how and why

In a world of my own...

Nonsense!!! in my world, nothing is what it is,
things talk to me, everything, anything can be

i talk to the trees, dance with birds and bees
befriend the ocean and castle myself on its sand

my bed sails me away at night
as i fly with objects around me like a kite

in a world of my own i talk to the sun and walk with the moon
making a blanket-full of stars, mine, laying on thousands roses in colourful bloom

in my world, the walls unfold and windows expand
they make a stairway to the sky, with the touch of my hand

everything just come to live, i can hear them breath
i wear a dress made of berries and cherries and spray some flower's sneaze.

in the world that i live in, all the things that i believe
are nonesens beauty, nothing is like what it seems.

lost i am not, on a branch tree, gazing at what your eyes cant define

In the woods of my head and the magic rooms in my heart

there i stand look for me there you'll find me in a land

that is completely out of sight, and its all what i own, and its all mine.

Shallow Water...

To express whats in your head is not an easy process... Specially those nagging thoughts, notes you take in the corner of your mind, while you are having a conversation with someone, or just looking out of the window in the back seat of a car, watching the green hills kiss the sky or just observing people going through everyday life, listening to the secret soundtrack coming from the crowd, telling a story that was told maybe million times or even more. But something in that moment strikes your head, and all the tangled wires suddenly draw a beautiful picture you haven't seen before.

While we're busy looking for what we lack, we forget the magic of what we already have, trapped inside a cubical, four walls, faces and voices, speaking words you memorize by heart even before they are uttered. sometimes we need new eyes, new ears, to see and hear the beauty of the ordinary, sometimes we need to dip deeper into the well we drink from everyday, and taste a sip of water just a little slower, and feel it stream inside us quenching the inner thirst.

Theres so much beauty around us, in everyday picture, in the boring routine lies some abandoned-and-taken-for granted details.

It's a road that we all take, digging deeper into the muddy road, there we will find valuable rocks... not a promise of a diamond, all shiny and glowy, to show off or to glitter in a sunny day!, but coal, black and dull pieces of coal... to dirty your hands, to draw a portrait on a wall, to warm your bones in a cold cold winter night.. to toast you some bread , or to glow in the dark.

Inspiration, its a blessing, you never know when will it come next, you may isolate yourself, listen to a wonderful piece of music, talk to a wise man, or a funny man, crack a sudden joke, gaze at a flower, read the news, read an interesting book, watch a documentary about something u never knew what or when, or sit in your favorite place with the words trapped in your head holding a pencil or a pen, nothing comes out, the river runs dry while thoughts are floating in your mind.

You never know what might light that candle, you never know when will the rain fall so the thirsty papers drink up all the ink

It might be a star, a warm hug, a prayer, or someone who whispers softly silently to your heart, opening those gates your locked self, as you soar the skies , or some ordinary words you hear everyday. just like the live comes from the dead and the dead comes from the live, never underestimate the boring, you never know how much excitements can come out of that!

Blossom...

Aroma...

its so funny how a smell can take you back in a time machine in a split of a second, wont take you to a place back in time, but to a certain state of mind, a period of time with certain thoughts and emotions.

As i enter this shop, i call it (the garden), all these smells of fruits and flowers, it makes me feel like im in heaven wandering between trees... picking the most fresh and delicious fruits into my basket.

and even though its not a garden and what i put inside my basket are not fruits or flowers, all people around me can obviously see im in a different world. i might leave empty handed if im not entered to pick me a certain fruit, just the joy of being there, makes me happy, even to just pass by and smell their nectar.

My last visit to the garden wasn't necessarily unique, but in a certain way it was, the last thing i would have imagined that i would write about a lotion! but this is how it happened, i passed by through the shelves looking for the happy satsuma fruit, the perfect aroma of tangerine, i got hit by that tree, a tree, pause, Oh i haven't used that for quite sometime, leaned closer and sniffed the fruit, and time took me back three years, people, feelings, places.. just another world than the one i was in that moment or for the past three years..

pause, back in time, just a glimpse of how i used to be at, people i miss, places i miss, they live in me, i smiled, just how this wasn't prepared for, i never forgot who i am i leaned back and marched with steady steps to my wonderful satsuma tree..

as i stretched my hands to pick it up into my basket, it felt like im picking the crops of my own planting, oh is it by birthday already?! is it my harvest time? i gazed at the tree isn't life a tree? we're trees too, just like seeds in the muddy soil, we're born, to branch and fruit..

the tree in me grew, i grew happier, healthier, merrier but i am still myself. the same tree,

looking back to where i was and looking back to where i am, and i wonder how i made it so far, the journey is beautiful with its ups and downs, and i don't regret a thing. a smile was planted on my face, and i look in the mirror of my soul and i can see me blossom.

blossoming inside out, the insider part of me is nourishing opening up to the world, Oh how i made it so far is a long journey, yet its so clear to me the difference in the world. something is beautiful in everything around, a thousand beautiful things..

No man is an island,.. for those hands that took care of me, watered me, put me where the sun shines, lead me to where the light is, i wouldn't have made it without you, thank you might not be enough...but it's all i have got from words. simple?, yes! over used? maybe!. but sincere :)

Fun Facts..or scare tactics!!

Some people are scared to dream... this probably never happened to me, known as a daydreamer, sometimes i think that's what i am to do for this life, dream and make them come true. isn't life itself is a dream?

unlike usual, sometimes we get terrified of disappointments when dreaming about something, putting high hopes building imaginary castles and kingdoms, nations... i wouldn't say this is right or wrong, it depends whatever you dream about or wish for, if a dream is a vehicle then hope is the four tires, and will is the gas.

taking about dreams and vehicles, i might be talking about more personal issue, night dreams, since i have no issues with daydreams excpt that i own them, night dreams, am not talking about nightmares, but these visions that repeat and repeat, sometimes they grow with you as you grow older, well maybe that only happens with me, and maybe yes, this dream this subconscious fire department department is flashing some alarm.. ERROR ERROR.

in my dreams at night ; when I'm all asleep physically, i haven't been able to drive a car since i was about 8 or 7 years old , well except for couple of times, i had a lot of passengers with me, i drove in the wrong directions, i went up hills and down to sharp fall...
at younger age i was forced to move the car or accidentally happen to be in the car alone and i ve to drive it avoiding some accident, and while i do so i cant control the wheel, my legs get too short to break or to press on gas pedals.

as i got older, scenarios changed, now I'm in control, but i make a fast turn, or drive somewhere i don't know..
i wasn't ever driven, when when i was young, and its so surprising that i never asked for help when theres always someone next to me. neither when i am older except for three times this year that i was driven, one by a blind man, one by someone i know, and one by just..a driver but driving in the dim.
one odd time i dreamt i was in the back of a bike, enjoying it , happy and secured.

some people don't take dreams seriously, after all, its just a dream. a friend of mine told me once, don't take it badly, its like a premonition something is telling you whats going on or whats going around so you wont feel so sad she said she thought it was blissful.. and i just smiled!!

while people are sacred to dream with eyes wide open am scared to dream with my lids shut!!

back to real life, considering driving, i as every adult went ahead and took the written test first, and to surprise everyone i passed from the first time, and then i had my permit, where i can drive with an adult who has a valid California driver license.. and i drove, i drove wont say pretty well, but i just did, went to cities, went to the high way and AT LAST i thought my dreams are nothing but dreams, and I'm not driven by them at all..
it was the test for behind the wheel exam, i scrwed, so bad!! took it once , twice and three times. and then i had to retake the written test again, plus my permit was taken away.. you know how many times i took the written test? you probably wont want to know.

while i memorize it by heart, i still fail!! its not a matter of failing, but then dreams again start ti haunt me, can i really drive? am i in the right direction? is it live or is it again the dream? am i getting delusional?
it might not be a coincidence, after all things happen for a reason, and weather we see it or not, accept it or not, its always for the best.

It surprises me how everything is connected, i know human can not be cars, neither can be restricted in some frame.
but just let me share some of the facts that came across my mind. maybe i need to learn something from it.

-In California driver license handbook, driving in different weather conditions...
when driving in the Fog. use your wipers to help clear the vision, and turn on the LOW beam headlight.

important tip: If you cant absolutely see anything ahead of you, move your vehicle the far right of the freeway and don't turn on any lights, so drivers from behind wont confuse you with an on the road car and bump into you.

-Roads are most slippery when the first rain spell after a dry day.
-Speeding will let the vehicle skid.
-Avoid fast turns and fast ramps.

Petals of a dream

& i dont want the world to see me

cause i dont think they'll understand

when everything is made to be broken

i just want you to know who i am..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiun1zBaEQ4&feature=related

i just want you to know who i am

Prayer...

God.. O'Allah, in the name of you the most gracious and most merciful..

i ask you by your name The Patient, The Timeless, to grant me patience, i ask you by your name The Wise to grant me wisdom...my impulsive frustration is snaking around me poisoning the good part inside i just cant hold it back anymore ..

far away, away from your path , how i feel so lost and disoriented, cant find a place to lay my troubles on to lay my mistakes, my secrets, my dreams, my plans for tomorrow, my fears, my memories my tears who will i turn to but you, Allah?! for you are ,The Guide.

i turn to you, with every single part of me , i turn to you Allah , i who have nothing in this world, this world that lies in your hand,i who is nothing in this whole universe that goes under your commands,
i am turning to you, with my plead to grant me the righteous in this world, this world of injustice, a world that has flipped all meaning up-side down, for you are The Utterly Just, The Judge, The Arbitrator.

God, i know i am not always good but i do try, and i have nothing i can say i am proud of but being your servant...God, how so weak and small i feel towards your highness for you are The Magnificent, The Infinite.

God, grant me knowledge to sweep away my ignorance for you are The All Aware , grant me strength to stand up for the hardship of life for you are, The Firm, The Steadfast.
God, grant me health to worship you for you are The Strong, grant me a good heart to forgive and be kind for you are The Gentle, The Subtly Kind.
God, grant me peace to give it to those who seek it for you are The All Beneficent, The Most Merciful in Essence, The Compassionate, The Most Gracious,.
God, grant me love, to love you, to love everyone and everything in your sake. in your sake alone, for you are The One Who Loves His Believing Slaves and His Believing Slaves Love Him.

lead me to your light, to your truth, to your path to your forgiveness , to your paradise for you are, The One Who Creates the Light of Belief in the Hearts of All the Believers.

God, when they ask me who do you love the most, i smile and merrily say, Allah! just like a kid, they laugh and think i want to keep the answer to myself, but how can i keep all this love within myself, i cant hide it anymore.
God, words fail me, for i cant express whats in my heart anymore, and who will know whats inside me but you, The All Knowing, The Omniscient.
God i have nothing to say but forgive me for everything, even if i don't deserve it, for i know you are The All Forgiving.

O Allah, I invoke You with all of Your Beautiful Names bless us,forgive us and have mercy on us , to send your peace upon your prophet Muhammad, and his family , his companions, and his followers, and on all of the beings in the universe, dead and alive AMIN.

In a Mermaid phase

will it be so funny for me to post a cartoon song?, specially Disney princess story, but regardless of who's story is this. it seems to say something about me...
the thrill to be, the rebellious part of me to break free of whats around and just be whoever i want.

Every single word of this song, just translate what i have been feeling inside, something inside me wants to break free, from the deep sea, and be part of the world.. walk, run, wander on the shore..DANCE ..

Up where they walk, up where they run,
Up where they could stay all day in the sun..

It might be the mermaid inside me who is ready to get to the surface , or maybe in my old life i was a mermaid..!! either ways. this song tells it all.

Part Of Your World, the Arabic version






and for those who likes it in English.. there you go

Isolation

Pain..
"pain leads to isolation" i heard it on a TV commercial about a headache pill such a true statement , yet so intelligent. don't we all have this sense of isolation inside us?

As we all carry all positive and negative feelings inside us, we experience them in different percentages in one or all phases that we go through.

Individuality..
comes with a lot of uniqueness and difference of ones self , it starts with standing your own ground and having your say, drawing your own dreams and it ends with doing things your way. individuality comes with a lot of responsibility, and its always attached to freedom, and free will. each one of us is individually different yet not every individual is independent.

and to make my point clear Independence wont lead you to isolation but it may come with a high price, that's according to your individuality, weather you are a dependent person or Independence person, weather you are a leader or a follower. that means that individuality is associated to Independence but not limited to it.

so what leads to isolation?.. i am talking about inner isolation, feeling alienated for the big part i would say its individuality, the unique person you are, your own thoughts and believes, that may go along or stray from everyone around you.
in your country, neighbourhood, family, circle of friends there are common things that you would share.. common language for example, cultural habits
yet expressing yourself and they way you practice those habit or might not do, would make you feel isolated..
its such a terrible feeling, that you would use the same phrases and same letters but u cant make one simple thought clear to others. you are basically on a difference state.. you are not on the same boat you are there ALONE.

deserted on an island, that is your inner self, having no one to understand or accept this crazy and different head and heart of yours.
there's no one to blame for your own individuality, for being yourself!

people get scared of what they don't know, and sometimes going against the wind is something they are not familiar with, it makes them scared because it threatenes their OWN individuality, fearing that it would affect their free will, then the blame starts, and the pointing fingers appear to be directed your way. its then when you reach for this island inside you , that place you go to and know there's no one there to understand or share your points of view nor see things the way you do

even if being different is well accepted it wont take this island inside you..it wont release you from the cell you found yourself in.
no matter who you are surrounded by you loneliness starts to grow uncontrollably.
and no matter how well accepted still you would have this "virgin state of mind" as your everyday status.

and in my individual way, i would say that, isolation leads to pain to a different headache , that i wish a pill can cure.

My company is a ball!

Running away from the four walls , welcoming fresh air and blending in with the nature around me is a habit, i do every other day,i get out of the daily routine put everything behind me at the door inside the house... and walk away.

i take songs with me, walk to the rhythm of each melody, i become an actress performing to every word, my stage is the pavement, my casts are the flowers, the trees ,the birds and the bees...the sky is my audience , everything responds to my every move my every step.

i walk and i walk and with every step i take, i let go of thing in my head, i opened up to inhale more air in, for the fresh air touch my mind , blow all the unnecessary thoughts away and tickle playfully my euphoric sense.

till reach my destination, a place in the park among the grass i stay there, watching people playing around or simply walking or listening to the sound of the basketball game from a far away.., i lay down and i watch the big sky i watch till i get lost there, sometimes i think its gonna swallow me, or it might fall over me it hypnotize me in a very merciful way.

Since songs are the only thing i take with me they are my only company...unfortunate enough in my last journey to the park, laying down on the grass gazing at the sky, there is my perfect moment with my favorite piece of music, it suddenly stopped..the player ran out of battery!

i said to myself, no not now! just before i finish the thread of thought of weather my moment is ruined or not, a voice calling me..Hey! i looked back and she thew a tennis ball at me and i wasn't sure what she wanted , so i yelled back "not mine".. so she nodded her head in a way and kicked the ball more my way and went..

so i grabbed the ball and looked at it, not sure why was t thrown my way, not sure where was this ball at or with whom!..

just a stray ball and i, in the park.. i kept looking at it, making a lot stories of where this ball was at and i may never know, and even though i was curious enough to wonder about this ball..

i enjoyed the thrill it brought me but most of all i enjoyed its company :)

On my way to paradise

I am not a professional photographer, i don't consider myself a photographer! i don't even have a camera...

My eyes are my camera, and they capture all the beauty that i get touched by...