My company is a ball!

Running away from the four walls , welcoming fresh air and blending in with the nature around me is a habit, i do every other day,i get out of the daily routine put everything behind me at the door inside the house... and walk away.

i take songs with me, walk to the rhythm of each melody, i become an actress performing to every word, my stage is the pavement, my casts are the flowers, the trees ,the birds and the bees...the sky is my audience , everything responds to my every move my every step.

i walk and i walk and with every step i take, i let go of thing in my head, i opened up to inhale more air in, for the fresh air touch my mind , blow all the unnecessary thoughts away and tickle playfully my euphoric sense.

till reach my destination, a place in the park among the grass i stay there, watching people playing around or simply walking or listening to the sound of the basketball game from a far away.., i lay down and i watch the big sky i watch till i get lost there, sometimes i think its gonna swallow me, or it might fall over me it hypnotize me in a very merciful way.

Since songs are the only thing i take with me they are my only company...unfortunate enough in my last journey to the park, laying down on the grass gazing at the sky, there is my perfect moment with my favorite piece of music, it suddenly stopped..the player ran out of battery!

i said to myself, no not now! just before i finish the thread of thought of weather my moment is ruined or not, a voice calling me..Hey! i looked back and she thew a tennis ball at me and i wasn't sure what she wanted , so i yelled back "not mine".. so she nodded her head in a way and kicked the ball more my way and went..

so i grabbed the ball and looked at it, not sure why was t thrown my way, not sure where was this ball at or with whom!..

just a stray ball and i, in the park.. i kept looking at it, making a lot stories of where this ball was at and i may never know, and even though i was curious enough to wonder about this ball..

i enjoyed the thrill it brought me but most of all i enjoyed its company :)

On my way to paradise

I am not a professional photographer, i don't consider myself a photographer! i don't even have a camera...

My eyes are my camera, and they capture all the beauty that i get touched by...

You can walk!

One may not know why certain things are thrown at him/her, there's always a higher wisdom to everything that happen to us.. but i didn't think this way when that boy came to our house specially when his parents left and he started to cry like a siren non-stop, i sympathized with him so i tried to hold him... it was funny the way he rushed to me and stopped crying that same moment ... since then he became my favorite, oh well let me rephrase that, he made me, make him my favorite!

very sooner that i have come to discover that he couldn't walk yet! his parents might have spoiled him a little bit too much when they allowed him every time to be lifted up when he wanted to this little sad puppy face can get you easily, even though his tears broke my heart but hes gotta do what a baby gotta do. Its time for him to walk, this i decided!


and as i look at him and wonder, about those powers that we have things that we take for granted, simple things we are born with and born to do, things that are built in our systems, like walking, expressing our needs/feelings, comprehending a foreign language and learning how to speak it some of the first lessons that we learn in life.
i didn't realize before that i would see all those powers in a one year old baby, how he fails and tries one more, how he wouldn't understand what is said to him but would try to express himself with the little baby knowledge that he has, his ability to learn something new everyday, a color, a shape, a sound, a taste a word..
its amazing


i look at myself, how big i am now and i look at the difficulties in my life from a different angle and say, "those are just a baby problems" i am nothing but a bigger version of him as well as my obstacles , there are so a lot in a human being we can over come anything, we can achieve anything. only if wanted, and tried!


we have to work to get those powers inside out, things we don't pay attention to, things we take for granted as long as we are alive, everyday is a new day to learn a new lesson a new skill a new language .. a new day to taste failure to learn how to succeed, a new day to get a scar to know how to heal, a new day to break and learn how to fix, or a new day to get lost to know how to find your way back.. a new day to lose to know how to win
a new day to fall.. to learn how to stand on your feet again... and WALK.

Truth.. may you rest forever in peace

I'm not trying hard to focus on what i am gonna say... not out of curiosity but I'm setting my thoughts free , i am opening the gate to the caged water and the flood is crashing in.

A quote that i just have read , explains the way i fee, neither i want to share what i feel nor what the quote says.


someone out there might be offended , it seems that lately i am getting in EverReady's nerve weather i am talking saying what i think or feel or weather i am deadly silent mad about something or just don't have something to say..
i am the change i wish to see in the world..(but hey that's a different quote)... i don't only speak the truth but i am being truthful. do you think this done me any well?... truth is like a knife cutting the bad part of the apple and leaving the good, and i realized the more i seek it the more i realized all the apples i have in the basket are rotten!.


sad but true!.. its the truth.

and its painful, yes its hard for me to accept it but i have to,its painful but i have to handle it because that's what i wanted is to have my eyes opened to the truth and it is wide open now , so what am i going to do?..
ill sit and watch the actors of the play fall one by one, like leaves off the tree
or maybe ill go myself pick them all up and trash them out.
time tells , and the time is now and i hear what it says...
still this part of me keep hurting, give it another chance, another shot.. don't give up
once a wise girl said..."i don know about giving up but there are times to move on"... but the wise girl didn't explain how to know how to differ when to try harder or when to pass on?.. when you are short of breath thirsty to death on a desert place and cant see a well or any water surface , not even a mirage or an illusion will you give it another try?..

truth is not relative.. Truth can not be colored the way we want it to be, truth is one. one size fits all.. but not all of us like to wear it.

trial

Prayer to the sleepy soul of mine

someday..

i Will smile from my heart and say..
Th's is what i came to accomplish
this is all what i want from life
someday .. i will be able to fly
and reach a real place i call my own
and leave all the fake nests
i made a frail home for myself
someday.. my tears will stop to roll down
and will start living the life i always wanted
someday i will get what i deserve
and all the joy will replace all the pain
someday ill love and be loved
without borderlines of distance or mind
someday not far from now
one day i will be happy and look back
and this will be in the past
someday i will feel content
someday i will make things right
someday ...
someday..
i will start living.

without fear or doubt
without disappointing me or others
without hurting the soul that soars inside me
someday feel misery
and the world will smile for me
someday i will believe again
someday everything will fall into place
and i will say
finally .. its all right
i will no longer stray

SOMEDAY
the sun will shine
the birds will sing
someday.. someday

FREEDOM

A gate before me… i am in i already opened the door and stepped shall i never go back again. i may but i wont .

Discovery … its nothing new but for me it is, that i can live without… just without. i can live and be whatever i want ..,.

I am a branch free not attached to anything at all, i have never felt so secure, so relieved .. is that what i was lacking?

freedom.. to free myself from anything i am attached to, attached with and everything attached to me? well yes the answer is YES. i am free even from myself . can you imagine how beautiful this feels?

Many questions i wasted my life to look for their answers neglecting living in them.. experience them tasting them.. feeling them … be within, get involved .. how would i know fire burns if i didn't get close enough?

What’s life? what’s love? what’s loss? what’s hurt? what’s death?…

I don’t know the answers.. all i have are only theories , not a final conclusion to what i have been thinking about .. not a treasure to my digging deep .

Changing the deck back to where i was aiming to before i went all shipwrecked and losing direction in the sea of my raging dreams…

Compromise… life is a big compromise .. just cant have it all.. life is what we make it.. bundle of people, dreams, places and things…selected and packed in a big or small bundle called principles-of-your-own!

life is a big tree… you cant own the tree, you are just another leaf sooner or later the wind will pull you away or you will just fall off.

but this is not a final answer… this is not a final word, life is ever changing yet everything is still the same.

Will… my free will is my compass … and i am activating it to lead me to where i always wanted to be..

With or Without. I'm going…

i freed myself from all the hands that pulled me down, and all the thoughts that tore me in all directions.

i am myself again. what it takes to be me.. i am FREE

FREE

Lost

lost.. in my own place
lost in my own playground.. lost in my chair, in my own body.. i am so lost
i dont know where i am, while i am where i want to be,
i dont know where i am to go, while i am going where i dream to be
what am i doing here, and what am i going to do there
i dont have a plan i dont have a goal..
i dont have a dream i dont have a hope
if theres no aim then why spending all my breaths and thoughts on..
nothingness!
but i am here, i exist..
illusions , everything i know.. what am i sure of?
i read some lines.. every day a new phrase a new word...
and i am lost between meanings... i understand everything but nothing makes sense to me.. my steps my speach.
who am i.. what is it that i want to be?
i remember a home i dreamt of
a soul.. a company
something to give.. just something simple.
and i remember.. someone
who was killed .. thats me
i am nothing but a shadow of a girl i used to be.
i am lost and not found!

Before the target; Open Sesame

One word. One shot, One aim.

who will deliver me the keys to the bars gate of my mouth!

a part of me just wonders and the other keeps telling me.

hey! don't rush, listen to the sounds, haven't they always been your tourniquet! the warning signals. the voices within.

Hold your horses! bare eyes hold your breath ache more to bleed less.. Hold your dreams , knocking on the doors to open but the doors want me to push them wide open, they pull me close they open up windows for me to see through, come on in step in, say the magic words.

Open Sesame!

Life begins here, your dreams are transferred into sight into this hollow place of yours, jump in, hurry up... you might have all the time in the world, you might got your name carved on the wooden seat but nothing ain't yours unless you reach out and grab it.

Reach out, open up.

So my teacher once looked through my eyes and told me "listen girl, you ve got what it takes, don't stand so hesitant before the target , shoot the last breath and hit the goal. do not let your fears drag you down from the last step of the long long mountain you clamped, step up. UP. WAKE UP be a man. be strong for life, for dreams for being what you came along the way for. what you want to be. its now . ITS NOW AND ITS ON."

The decision is not yet taken, My teacher i agree but i apologize if i failed you.

i am sitting here, I'm not going anywhere. i am at the door.

Sesame !

you will open for me, if its meant to be me. call my name!

Fake

Afraid to take the imperfect step, or paint the perfect view in my head.. aware to sing the wrong tune of my favorite song or say a different meaning than the ideal words that i may.

might this be a beginning, to learn from the past but still dare to risk it all , and who knows? what's the next station ill be standing in.. i just need to start the journey now there's no time for waiting or recalculating.

Afraid i have been afraid, you can call my heart a coward and i agree.

I miss the piano and the stars at night, i miss being taken by those lights

Every night before i sleep i remember how fake this life is... all the phases i have been through, and pray that if i close my eyes and my soul sours thoughands of miles away from my body, that i would be in some where better.. life is a fake dream sometimes i wish i wake up from.. to a better reality.

the candel-lit wedding

I may have a slight of being judgments in my words, maybe that what u may think but i have another point of view. i just came from a wedding party. dimmed light wedding!!!! yeah, when we arrived there we knew that the light went out for about an hour and the bride and groom are waiting in their car, 15 minutes later, it was light, and it was the time for "ZAFFA" that show the band do surrounding the two couple with music and singing leading them into the hall where the wedding is taking place.

so while this "zaffa" is on and everyone is cheering the camera men are above everyone's shoulder blocking their sigh, while the bride and groom are dancing the light went out AGAIN, guess what the band continued on the dark singing as if theres nothing happend. and some waiter who are there to serve in the wedding braught some frail candels and stood there, on the right and left of the couple, of course no one saw nothing, but it was so romantic, not just that it was one of a kind. maybe im too optimistic but its not an ordinary wedding!! its a story to be told after 30 or 40 years. i was enjoying it. the fact that the band was still playing and singing and people wwere cheering still . it was amazing. unqiue!

i just wonder why dont people look at the bright side of situation!! i actually put myself in their place and i thought it would have been very unique candel-lit wedding. its something to remember.

though it didnt last that long i mean the darkness, just 10 minutes or so the lights were on and everyone one unintentionally while singing raised their voices "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY". and it never went out again. i guess everyone has his/her own way of being happy or positive about something and i guess thats why God didnt sissapoint them!!

"Beauty" in a recycled notebook

I enterd one of the everything for 2.50 L.E., stores to get me some pins, though i never liked these kinds of stores becasue of all the corny stuff they have, and the gatherd people on one item they dont need to buy they just check it and block your way to move in that tiny store that barly fits the goodies in such small space.

"there's always a beautiful something in everything that is ugly", i believe in this statment of mine, tho i dont believe in ugliness, but thats not the point.. so i entred the store to look get me some pins and some ballons for my brothers, as i was moving around in bordom trying to check with my eye all these colors in plastic bags stuffed within the shelves. as i wanderd and wanderd i saw a stand full of booknotes, i have this weekness for these kinds of stuff, so as i was taking a glimmpse of whats in there i knew there would be nothing really worth to buy in 2.50 store especially when it comes to notebooks i care so much about material, so my eye cought a brown something it was a notebook but it looked like one i had from the USA a recycled one its my favourite note of all, i never thought i would find one here actually, my hands rushed to grab one as i was cheking it, i knew it was the same recycled material and inside the papers are so nice and have some colored images on the edges.

On the cover there is some printed friuts, each notebook has a different fruit printed on its cover, i liked the strawberry and i was amazd that it smells like strawberry too and there was another one with lemmon printed on it, it wasn't the smell or the furit that made me choose the lemmon one but what was written on it woken something up inside me, it was very simple "message" or as i think it was. On the cover there's written these words..

"keep a special notebook,
every night before going to bed,
make a note of something beautiful that you saw during the day"

inspired by these simple yet powerful words, i am writting here about the beautiful recycled notebook i saw today. and im going to keep it up everyday , and right here something beautiful i saw during the day.

We & Me

Do you want me to inroduce you, to "you", yeah i know , we both know eachother quite well, so why dont we for once combine and say something good, though we know we are like Day and Night, they never meet, but hy dont we creat a middle path, like Sunset and Sunrise, a moment to merge together, to try understanding eachother's differences
you want the good, but i want what my heart's desires .You keep shouting in my ears, but i never listen, i guess it all was my fault, Well... Now hush, dont say a word, i know what you want to say i hear you from within , you want to say that we finally came this far, this point of trying to understand eachother, and somehow find a way both of us can take a break from nagging and trying to prove that each side of Us is true.
Dear Us,
this is the moment when Two, become One, we are not lovers, we are maybe the best enemies BUT not anymore.
Now, we dont care what will happen when we once again wake up in life's chaos when each side of us trying to pull the rope aginst the other's side.
Might we rest in peace!!, Just excuse us for one moment of holding hands for the two extreems blend and give up selfish needs.
just excuse us for a period that belings of us, for a blink of an eye, that will always remain like an everlasting eternety that will last till eterney , for we surely know we will not last till forever , this step we took is a folded page of the past .
So, Shall we introduce US to YOU
I Am: your pride
& I Am: your senses
And both of us is: YOU

Puzzel

When I was young they used to tell me
Don't u question too much
There so much in life, bigger than it seems
Fine if u wonder but don't get drifted
Things are not that easy
Someday like this flower u'll grow
And all the things that tickle u,
They will all be tickled by you
I ve folded the dream within me
I knew there was so much more to hit me
Time and time I waited, for this body to stretch
Just another little taller, one more inch
But the dream was still folded,
Frozen as it is, it never grew
In front of my eyes only images got smaller
But never clearer, in fact they began to grey
Does things became less real
Or were they all tricking me
Simple facts got more complicated
I don't know even who I am and what I can be
Still unanswered questions have been dried and welt
A lost dream, forgotten, with the child I used resample
Didn't they have answers why do we cry?
Didn't they know how people don't fly?
Or was they an older version of me
They ve not been told
Why they have to do what they do
Should I have some answers?
Or should I fake ones?
What am going to say?
When I am asked by little ones?
May I invent my own principles and alibis?
The answers are out there, it's so simple
But then who knows
I almost can see it
But I can't put my finger on it
No one can deny
U felt it too, u know it's true
Go back in time when u only knew
How to differ good form bad so easy
And tricky temptations won't get its way with u
Those times when u wanted to do what u wanted to
No body mattered then, neither the circumstance
U have been there, u ve seen, and u ve conquered
In mind and heart u seized every chance
Grounded in Ur closet, or banned from play
Did it stop u saying what u wanted to say?
It's too late, now look in the mirror and laugh
Time came by now they call u a man
Not sure if u really can
Or do u really understand
This suit that is sewed with questions
Fitting well on Ur shape... Dressing u
With a tie, suffocating u from breathing
In each one of us there's something
Something to wake you up from your sleep
"How ve you been coping all that long without a meaning"
A meaning you knew once was there, in your mind
When puzzle was pieces in a box
A game u had as a child
How come tables turned? Slowly but surly upside down
You became yourself a lost piece of puzzle, a different kind
That’s when it's put all together
, the image some how makes sense
Like thousand stars, far from each other
, glowing in the dark
It's who I am and who we all are
, not different from the others
Just another big, question mark.