Lost

lost.. in my own place
lost in my own playground.. lost in my chair, in my own body.. i am so lost
i dont know where i am, while i am where i want to be,
i dont know where i am to go, while i am going where i dream to be
what am i doing here, and what am i going to do there
i dont have a plan i dont have a goal..
i dont have a dream i dont have a hope
if theres no aim then why spending all my breaths and thoughts on..
nothingness!
but i am here, i exist..
illusions , everything i know.. what am i sure of?
i read some lines.. every day a new phrase a new word...
and i am lost between meanings... i understand everything but nothing makes sense to me.. my steps my speach.
who am i.. what is it that i want to be?
i remember a home i dreamt of
a soul.. a company
something to give.. just something simple.
and i remember.. someone
who was killed .. thats me
i am nothing but a shadow of a girl i used to be.
i am lost and not found!

Before the target; Open Sesame

One word. One shot, One aim.

who will deliver me the keys to the bars gate of my mouth!

a part of me just wonders and the other keeps telling me.

hey! don't rush, listen to the sounds, haven't they always been your tourniquet! the warning signals. the voices within.

Hold your horses! bare eyes hold your breath ache more to bleed less.. Hold your dreams , knocking on the doors to open but the doors want me to push them wide open, they pull me close they open up windows for me to see through, come on in step in, say the magic words.

Open Sesame!

Life begins here, your dreams are transferred into sight into this hollow place of yours, jump in, hurry up... you might have all the time in the world, you might got your name carved on the wooden seat but nothing ain't yours unless you reach out and grab it.

Reach out, open up.

So my teacher once looked through my eyes and told me "listen girl, you ve got what it takes, don't stand so hesitant before the target , shoot the last breath and hit the goal. do not let your fears drag you down from the last step of the long long mountain you clamped, step up. UP. WAKE UP be a man. be strong for life, for dreams for being what you came along the way for. what you want to be. its now . ITS NOW AND ITS ON."

The decision is not yet taken, My teacher i agree but i apologize if i failed you.

i am sitting here, I'm not going anywhere. i am at the door.

Sesame !

you will open for me, if its meant to be me. call my name!

Fake

Afraid to take the imperfect step, or paint the perfect view in my head.. aware to sing the wrong tune of my favorite song or say a different meaning than the ideal words that i may.

might this be a beginning, to learn from the past but still dare to risk it all , and who knows? what's the next station ill be standing in.. i just need to start the journey now there's no time for waiting or recalculating.

Afraid i have been afraid, you can call my heart a coward and i agree.

I miss the piano and the stars at night, i miss being taken by those lights

Every night before i sleep i remember how fake this life is... all the phases i have been through, and pray that if i close my eyes and my soul sours thoughands of miles away from my body, that i would be in some where better.. life is a fake dream sometimes i wish i wake up from.. to a better reality.